I'm feeling so low today... Tomorrow I have to go with my aunt who is getting a curretine done. A curretine is a surgical procedure where a female patient is given anesthetic and the lining of her uterus is scraped. My aunt is almost touching 70 yrs old.. I think it's the Indian mentality and her generation that is scared of doctors that has gotten her into this mess.. They don't like seeing doctors... They don't believe in checkups... They stay away from hospitals unless its absolutely necessary.. Apparently she went for a checkup finally and she had been keeping mum about the fact that she was spotting for over a year... She finally told the doctor but the doctor feels she's actually probably spotted for somewhere close to 3 or 4 years. This is not a good symptom to have for a woman above 60... and then to suffer from it for a couple of years is just horrifying to think about... Spotting is usually a sign of a cyst.. My cousin's friend who's above 40 recently suffered from spotting and had to get a hysterectomy to get her uterus removed.. To think my aunt has been quietly sitting on this condition for years just blows my mind.. She's so used to keeping quiet and suffering whatever befalls her... she's conditioned herself to do that and so now she's actually probably sealed her fate... If its cancerous it could have spread quite a bit... If she had spoken earlier there are so many procedures that can remove the cancer and give her more healthy years of her life... I don't know what to think at this moment... 2 out of the 3 doctors have said its most probably malignant. Only after the curretine is done and sent to be analysed will they find out if its malignant or not. I told my mom about it who's a breast cancer survivor. She said the symptoms don't sound good and she's probably got 3 to 6 months to live...  I don't want to think negative but its sad and scary to think about what can happen if we ignore our health or what our body is trying to tell us when there's something wrong.. I'm just praying she doesn't suffer and we have good news... some miracle... My aunt is not a happy person... I've noticed it for some years now... she's the type of person who forces herself to step out of the house to get the weekly groceries... but she hates it... she hates stepping out of the house... she has not enthusiasm left for life... everything is stressful... always in a cranky uptight mood... always tired.... its really sad that she's not enjoying life... i feel bad for her actually... This is the woman who took care of me my first year I was born... Like a mother... My parents adopted me from Mumbai when I was 10 days old and according to legalities they couldn't take me to the US until a year had passed... My parents had jobs to get back to so they left me in the care of my aunt... At the time my cousin was in college and she used to play with me and creep into my room and watch me sleep in my crib, and take me for walks in my pram... I think this is the reason I am so close to my cousin... After a year went by my parents came to take me... my cousin told me last year that when they took me she was so used to caring for me and loving me as a baby that she literally had a nervous breakdown after I went to the US... She cares about me a lot I guess even though she doesn't show her love...Even my cousin has told me that my aunt (her mom) has never shown love in the ways that are expected... She's never given kisses or hugs like other moms, or been affectionate as such... She's uncomfortable getting touchy feely... But I know she does love even though she doesn'tshow it.. my cousin agrees with me that she shows her love to all of us through her food.. she is a great cook... and loves cooking for family... I just hope that everything turns out ok... sigh... this light is turned off..

well i was so busy celebrating Diwali and finishing up end of the month work that I didn't get a chance to write much lately.... a very annoying feeling when all you want is peace and quiet and the chance to write down whatever you want. I had two events I went to for Diwali. Honestly if it was up to me I'd like to be at home watching tv and ordering in chinese or something. I was not really in the family festive mood especially with all this family shit going on. The good news is after I secretly emailed my dad and told him everything that was going on he managed to convince my uncle to come visit him to get away from all the drama. My uncle's been pretty depressed and sad and crying about his oldest daughter (my cousin) whos decided to seperate from her husband. I just found out the other day one of the reasons thats influencing her to make this decision and its something that I can't even dare to write down here in case someone figures out my identity... but anywho it just sucks cuz you look at your family members, specially the ones older to you, you look up to them, inspire to do good things because of them and respect them and when ur finally an adult yourself you find out how morally wrong they act... its kind of a sad feeling...

so yeah now u can get the gist why i wasnt feeling all "diwali-ish" (for the sake of a better word) But then I really didnt have a choice. My one friend R was pretty alone on Diwali and wanted me to come celebrate with her so I couldnt back down. And then I had a family dinner which I would be slaughtered if I said I didnt want to go for that. and with my cousin and her slipped disc I had to help her out and be there for her.
Diwali day was when I went to R's place. I had a lot of work to do before going there so I ended up going evening time. We made rangoli on the front step and lit diyas. that part was fun. I had actually not done rangoli in years and last I remember I sucked at it, so it was nice to see I had a decent hang of it when I tried after so long. It turned out pretty cool if I say so myself. Here's the pic of our rangolis. R's are on the 2 sides and mine is the rectangle design in the middle.




 
After R did pooja we went over to their friends house to have dinner. Hot puris and cholay. omg it was heavenly.. really good. Then after dinner we did the traditional thing most people do on Diwali which is play cards. You're actually supposed to gamble but I wasn't comfortable gambling on a game I wasn't really well acquainted with. We played a game called judgement and it turned out to be a lot of fun. The funniest thing was that the host G taught me the rules and how to play and he got 5 points at the end of all the rounds coming in last place whereas I got 85 points, coming in 3rd place. He couldn't understand how I could do so well playing this game for the first time. it was funny. lol.. I knew the next day I would suffer if I didnt sleep. It was around 4am by then and I had the family diwali dinner to attend so I decided to catch some shut eye. It was I think the most uncomfortable sleep I had. Maybe it's the idea of sleeping in someone else's bed. I had come to their house the first time and they were really sweet and nice but still I would have rather slept in my own bed. hmmm



I was not talking to R's boyfriend the whole time because we got into an argument earlier. I think he's seriously retarded. I just don't understand how can be so insensitive and rude. I've been telling him the last couple of times that I've visited him and R that I don't like it when he brings up my ex. It's been 6 months since I've broken up with him but he'll always tell me how he bumped into him or saw him or will tell me to stop pretending that I don't miss him. First couple of times I talked to him bout it I explained to him politely and calmly that I really find it annoying and hurtful when he does that and to please stop. This time I lost it and I started arguing with him. He honestly kept that bad vibe going between and him the whole time I spent diwali with him and R and that's when I decided enough is enough. So a couple days ago I emailed him and told him how I don't want him in my life anymore because he can't understand what I tell him. It honestly is quite bugging because I don't look on my ex as one of the best times of my life. I look on it as one of the worser times of my life. I felt dead back then. Broken is when it still hurts. Dead is when you're beyond broken that you stop feeling the pain and u stop living.. You just submit to whatever befalls you. stop caring. stop feeling... But now I'm with someone who took all that out of my life. detoxified me and made me feel real and loved again.  So you can understand why I feel so upset when someone brings up my ex and they won't let it go... I hate it when people are stuck in the past. Its nice when you walk down memory lane. but cmon u cant live in memory lane!! hmmmm...




I had actually driven away this special person in my life and really hurt them by doing so it was a couple years ago and now I've finally got them back in my life again by some miracle and I feel perfect for the first time in my life. As all of you are living your lives I'm sure you must be knowing how difficult it is to feel perfect. It's a very rare moment that you feel perfect. But I do. because of this person... And if everything works out we will get engaged soon.. he makes my life so different so real... so happy. and I could never let go of that again. I would be stupid to...



Anyways moving on.... in the morning I woke up and the whole diwali party went to Koregaon park to eat breakfast at german bakery. was so yummy. I was literally a zombie cuz I had a headache from lack of sleep and was still tired. I liked their eggs way better than Voheman's cafe or however u spell it. That's where they usually end up for breakfast and I just hate the bitter cheese they use.


I was a little vigilant cuz my bf told me his ex is always hanging out there and apparently she's the kind to pick a fight and get all bitch momma on me. Then i realized i was just being silly cuz she doesnt know what I look like. loll.. hmmm.. I'm honestly not the kind to pick a fight. but I can stand my ground if I have to. lol..



Then after breakfast at german bakery, I went back to kondhwa with R and her bf and had a bath. After a bath, R promised me she would straighten my hair cuz none of the parlors are open on sunday. So she straightened it and it looked realllly really awesome and then I went all the way back to my cousin's house and crashed there till it was time to get up and help set up the family Diwali dinner. I wore a pretty salwar kameez which was turquoise and made me look super slim...



and it looked awesome with my straight hair... and then people start oozing in... lol... yeah indian standard time they always come in late.. oozzing. lol... hmmmm... my cousin and i had an interesting time dealing with the couple of black sheep in our family... was pretty interesting... you know wut im talking bout those members in your family that gossip and try to make ur life as miserable as possible. lol... A lot of people performed for this dinner. my nephew performed "The Unforgiven" by Metallica on his bass guitar. It was his first performance on stage and hes 12 so it was super super amazing... I was so proud of him. Then some other relatives sang with synthesizer and guitar some Munkees (sp?) songs, others played the harmonica, my neice played piano, even I had the balls towards the ends to play something. It was really fun.. I think the Munkees songs they played were really good I'm considering downloading a few songs to see how they are. They reminded me a little of the Beatles.

The dinner was really good too. There was chicken biryani which was sinfully yummy and I also had jalebis. Jalebis are traditionally eaten hot with cold milk. But I like them hot with vanilla icecream!! You should try it out if you get the chance. But yeah the biryani and the jalebis, those were basically the two things that filled my plate. lol... Then a couple of cousins decided to go for coffee at midnight to this cafe nearby. It was fun... My niece and I had hot chocolate. Then we came back home and talked till 4 in the morning.




 She was telling me how her ex bff stayed over the other night. and when she did she asked her how life was. Her bff answered "These days I'm really horny." Can you imagine a 14 yr old girl answering that. My niece was so disgusted and shocked. She stopped hanging out with her bff after she started making fun of her for no reason, smoking, drinking and doing drugs..Apparently she's bulimic too because she wants to be thin.  I guess sex is next on this little girl's agenda which is pretty sad. Both my niece and I agreed that she's going to be one messed up girl. Her bff got suspended from school a couple months back for coming into school drunk and yelling at her teacher. Her bff asked my niece if she was still a virgin (my niece is 14 too.) my neice said sarcastically "yeah I lost my virginity 6 yrs ago." and her bff took her seriously and was asking her yeah how was it? My niece almost laughed out loud at the fact that her bff took her seriously. she told me she's never going to have her over for a sleepover again.

I feel bad for my neice that she had to deal with all this at such a young age, but I'm glad she doesn't give in to peer pressure and she has a smart head on her shoulders. I'm really proud of her and how mature she is. She told me why should I rush to do all the things I'm not supposed to. If I do all of them now I have nothing to look forward to in life. Can you imagine that coming out of a 14 yr old girl's mouth?  I just love her for that. Anyways... as always I'm grateful for my family. Kind of makes me guilty for feeling lazy and not wanting to celebrate Diwali after reading someone's blog about how they feel sad cuz they're lonely on Diwali and dont have their family around to celebrate with. Happy Diwali to everyone... This light is turned off.

I've been guilty in the past of thinking about becoming more health conscious, eating nutritious foods, exercising daily, but being too lazy to actually act upon it. Either that or I do like a couple days of it and give up. I'm not what you call fat.  I've just been out of shape and wanted to lose some chunk in my trunk and wast line so to speak.

 

In the past I have lost drastic amounts of weight but not in a healthy way. Plus losing weight suddenly always gives me stretch marks. Anywho, so my boyfriend and I are doing a long distance thing where we will be meeting each other after a year... he will be coming down and spending a month and a half with me... I'll be taking leave for the days he comes to visit me... and obviously to impress him and look my best I've been motivated to make healthier choices for my body.. So for the past two weeks I've been working out and eating healthier. Since I've started working from home it's given me a LOT of time to myself. The lots of free time actually sparked my interest in doing something with that time. I was getting bored and irritated with sleeping late getting up late and having nothing exciting to do day in and day out. From past "exercise expeditions" I've learned that I hate jogging and walking I just don't have the patience to work on my stamina that way or wait for the results... I find it boring and I feel like it doesn't do much for my body. my loss of interest in jogging or running could have something to do with the fact that my ipod died and I havent replaced it yet.. I can't imagine jogging without music... its just an unheard of thing for me. My main areas of focus are my butt, my love handles and my stomach. I've been working up to 100 crunches/sit ups and working up to 80-100 squats every morning...


I actually have to work up to squats a lot more slower than sit ups because the first day i worked out I did 60 squats and literally couldn't walk properly for a whole week.. That was so extremely painful and so I'm working up to 100 more gradually. For now I've been doing 20 squats a day... But I've noticed succch a big difference in my stamina with just the sit ups alone. I started the first day with 50 sit ups, doing 10 sit ups taking a tiny breather and continuing with each set of 10 till I did 50. Then last week I did 60 sit ups and was able to do them 20 situps at a time without stopping. This week I was able to do 80 sit ups, 40 at a time without stopping. I was pretty proud of myself. The thing I love most about sit ups is that you get immediate results on your tummy. This exercise just makes it so tight and flat... I just love seeing the results. I went to pick up my paycheck last week from my office.. I have not seen my colleagues from work for over a month and every single one of them commented on my weight and how much weight I'd lost and how good I looked. I was of course really pleased to see that I wasn't the only one who could see the results. heheh... Anyways it doesn't end here...

I also have been doing yoga in the evenings along with my morning situps and squats. My sister has raved about yoga for the past couple of years and I find it comical that I've not tried it when I've been living in India for the past 6 years!! lolll... so anyways I tried it this past week and have enjoyed it.. Discovery Travel and Living has this show called "Namaste Yoga" which I find very interesting but it's never on when I'm ready to exercise, so I got the first season dvd for their show and I do one episode in the evening every other day. It's too soon to see any significant results but I have noticed how it stretches out my thighs and my arms. I have a feeling it will help tone my body out nicely. Its almost like stretching out or warming up as an exercise but in a way that helps with the flexibility of your body... Yoga is really appealing to me so far. I don't think I'm interested in doing anything too complex but as long as I can work my body out and become more healthy I'm happy.







I alternate yoga with aerobics in the evening... I always found aerobics to be a funny activity. It never seemed to have any substance to it and all the videos I'd seen just seemed so cheesy and pitiful.. lolll. Dorky music, aerobics instructors who all seemed to be high on something, badly put together outfits, overly peppy personalities yelling at people to exercise as if their life depended on it... I wanted NONE of that.... i wanted to start doing aerobics but I wanted something fun and entertaining and not so lame...



I mean would you seriously trust people who looked like this and acted like this to help you become fit??? I wouldn't!!!

  

So then I did some hunting and found Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease Collection, and so far I absolutely love it!! I've never much cared for Carmen Electra. I mean I'm not a guy first of all and definitely not into ex playboy bunnies or something. So anywho I wanted to see what her videos were all about and they turned out to be super awesome. She combines teaching striptease with aerobics to give you a great workout. I loved it. I learned something to help me in (cough) the bedroom *blushhhh*, and I was working out my body too. The music isn't cheesy, she explains the steps without screaming or yelling at you, and its FUN!!! I have never seen such an improvement in my body till now.. I can't wait to try my new moves when my chulo comes down to visit me... hehehe... yes I know naughty naughty... hmmmm....



I have to admit all this exercise during the day does make me a lot more hungrier than I normally am but I've learned to mold my eating habits to my advantage by eating at the right times and remembering to drink a lot of water. If I stick to healthy food I don't limit myself or starve myself. I stick to pulses which are high in protein and filling. I stick to healthy breakfasts like oatmeal and I try to eat fruits and take a multivitamin supplement. I know (ugh.. oatmeal??)  you're thinking. but if you add a dollop of honey (natural healthy sugar) and a sprinkle of cinnamon it tastes pretty good. And just because I'm focusing on becoming leaner and healthier it doesn't mean I go overboard. I do relax and eat what I want on the weekends. I use the time on the weekends to eat things I love when I go out or even laze a little and skip on exercising. But when my weekend rolls to an end I get back to exercising and eating right... I feel so much happier being healthier and active...I've come to enjoy the dull ache in my muscles at the end of the day that lets my body know they are exercised and worked out. I'm pretty stoked about my progress so far. hopefully I'll have some progress updates later on to write about... Let me know if anyone out there has some tips on healthy eating or exercises you enjoy working out to. I'd love to hear what works for others out there.. till then... this light is turned off..